mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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