I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
