Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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