Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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