Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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