my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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