Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
