my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
