genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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