So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
