he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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