I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
