theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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