Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
