The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
