Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
