It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
