She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
