so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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