i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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