So drunk its hurt
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
