i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
