Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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