there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
