Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
