i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
