Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
