You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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