party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
