at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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