Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
