I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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