Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
