I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
