everyone is single if you try hard enough
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
