Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
