Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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