apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
