I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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