All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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