"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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