Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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