dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
