Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
