She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
