I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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