My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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