Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i want to swaddle you in tequila
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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