I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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