I smell stomach acid.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
