If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
